My print column this week is a no-winner for me. Be that as it may …

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Questions, queries, and queer conundrums regarding the matter of immigration in America, North Carolina and Alamance County.

Oh yeah, and include Arizona. It was still in America the last time I looked.

Yes, over the past few days I’ve fielded any number of e-mails, letters, telephone calls and visits by folks sincerely puzzled, flummoxed or vexed by the biggest issue out there that Congress won’t touch with a 200-foot pole. I don’t think much more needs to be said there. Let’s get to the questions and, hopefully, answers.

Let’s start with one from an Elon reader.

“Regarding murder suspect Raul Contreras, has the Sheriff’s Department investigated and charged Contreras’ dairy employer in Mebane for hiring an illegal immigrant? Is this against the law, or am I wrong? Isn’t this part of the problem, people hiring illegal immigrants? If Contreras had no job, then he would most likely head back to Mexico.”

This question actually gets to the heart of the problem better than most. Yes, it is a violation of federal law for employers to hire those in the country illegally. No, though, the county sheriff’s office has no jurisdiction over it whatsoever and cannot enforce it. Immigration and Customs Enforcement does. Because ICE generally doesn’t make its business known, it’s hard to figure out what they may or may not be doing about this situation. But you’re right. The key to solving the immigration problem is the matter of employers refraining from hiring undocumented workers.

This one was from an anonymous person from who knows where. It came via e-mail.

“The federal Department of Justice is conducting a substantial investigation of the Alamance County Sheriff’s Office. Was a memo sent to employees of the sheriff’s office (deputies, etc.) instructing them that if they are contacted by DOJ, that all communications by them with DOJ must be made in the presence of County Attorney Clyde Albright?”

The county attorney, best we can determine, has instructed those to be interviewed as well as federal authorities that he would like to be included in any questioning regarding this probe of racial profiling. Frankly, I don’t see this as the major stonewalling conspiracy. Albright is hired to protect the county government’s legal interests. This is his job, folks. In all honesty, I’d question his competence if he didn’t ask to be involved.

Let’s call this one a conglomeration of stuff from a variety of people.

Can Fairness Alamance endorse candidates for public office? Should it endorse a candidate for sheriff since the group seems to be constant critics of the current administration?

Anyone anywhere at anytime can endorse anyone for nearly anything when it comes to elected offices. This is how political action groups operate. It is normal for such groups to endorse candidates running against someone who represents a position the organization opposes. In recent times, this can mean endorsing candidates the organization might not even know. There are groups that represent everything from education interests and unions to pro-life or pro-choice and taxation matters. The list is endless.

In some cases candidates are a little queasy about some endorsements. Ron Parrish, the Democratic candidate for sheriff, still wants it known that he supports the 287(g) immigration enforcement program as operated under federal guidelines — even though he has been endorsed by Fairness Alamance. He doesn’t want his views taken out of context.

This one came by e-mail.

Why did Alamance Community College bar Fairness Alamance from addressing an English as Second Language class about the investigation at the sheriff’s office? Isn’t it public property?

Fairness Alamance clearly stepped way over the line by going to a community college class uninvited to talk about a federal investigation. The college is not a park. It is a place for education. Campus officials need to know who is there on any given day and what it means to the curriculum. Political activity in this manner is not appropriate.

And I get this one all the time.

Where do you stand on this issue Mr. Editor?

Sigh: Once more, I think people should be here legally or working to become legal. People who are here legally should not face harassment from the law because they are thought to be illegal based on how they look. The key to solving this problem is limiting the number of job opportunities by cracking down on those who hire undocumented workers.

I’m sure it can’t be that simple or else Congress would’ve handled this already.

Then again …

The Answer Man gets real is a post from: Madison Taylor

This is the “Place Your Bets, Open All Hours, Hey Does Anybody Even Go to Cesear’s Palace Anymore?” edition of The Answer Man, not to be confused with “The Cincinnati Kid,” the story of a gambling whiz  who goes all in at precisely the wrong time.

And he lost Ann Margaret too.

DEAR ANSWER MAN: Wow, I just got back from Vegas and boy oh boy is that some kind of place. I saw a fake volcano, a fake Eiffel Tower, a fake Venice, about a hundred fake waterfalls, a real Celine Dion (and boy was that ever terrifying), actual poker machines that pay off; and enough neon on Fremont Street to make that Festival of Lights at Tanglewood look like a bunch of street lamps at Old Salem. And I saw lots of real people taking it all in. What I didn’t see was anything resembling something a local government employee would need to check out to improve their jobs. Looked like a vacation place to me.  So why oh why do so many local government types get sent to Vegas on “business” and what do they learn there? –  BROKE IN BURLINGTON BY WAY OF THE BELLAGIO.

DEAR TOURIST: If you seek a fake vacation in a place where the rules are loose, there’s plenty of action and plenty of curious and potentially dangerous people running around at all hours of the night then it’s hard to beat Las Vegas, unless, of course, a free weekend in Jacksonville, N.C. is available. Still, in the case of the recent report released by Alamance County in which folks from the Department of Social Services and Sheriff’s Department traveled to Vegas for conferences, the trips were not pleasure outings but strictly and completely all business.  

Yeah, right.

The blame for this can’t be placed, however, on the doorstep of local governments but upon that of the organizers of such seminars who select places like Las Vegas in order to assure good attendance and justify their expense accounts. After all, who in their right minds would go to a gang-fighting seminar in East L.A.?

 It’s not known what our local government reps learned on these particular junkets. The reason for this is simple: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

DEAR ANSWER MAN: Seven years ago I played in an NFL fantasy league. Haven’t played since. Now I’m back in one. This past week, I drafted Clinton Portis, the fine running back from the Washington Redskins. Now the Redskins get whipped 47-3 by the Carolina Panthers. Any truth to the rumor the Redskins are going to shut it down themselves for seven years? — ANXIOUS IN ARAPAHOE.

 DEAR WRAPPED: First of all I’d like to say that if your idea of fantasy involves the exploits of sweaty 300-pound football players and their wanton consumption of Gatorade then you’ve got a snootful of problems already. This is worrisome considering your previous seven-year stretch of sound decision-making. Perhaps you should consult a physician or TV psychic, not the Answer Man.

That said, however, the Answer Man is fully aware that literally millions of alleged adult males each year devote billions of hours toward first drafting their fantasy team which they then pit against other fantasy teams on a weekly basis. This allows men to actually enjoy professional football — something that is believed by leading mental health experts to be virtually impossible — and at the end have a chance to win a potful of loot should they have the best team.

In most reputable places this is considered gambling.

Anyway, because The Answer Man was himself once an alleged adult male who participated in such activities — until the wife made him cease and desist immediately —he fully understands your anxiety as the season prepares to open. The fact is, running backs on losing teams usually aren’t running backs anymore but rather fifth or sixth options in a desperate passing game.

This is where the Washington Politically-Incorrects fit in. It is believed that a team once existed in our nation’s capitol but actually ceased to operate as a fully recognized professional squad after Daniel Snyder took ownership some years ago. For all practical purposes they shut down operations in D.C. at least three coaching changes ago.

So your best bet would be either A: investing in banking stocks; or B. Taking a seminar in Vegas and betting the red on a Roulette wheel.

And remember, the Answer Man is always ready to spin the wheel, roll the dice or double down — particularly if it’s a sure thing.

He’s still looking for it.

The Answer Man: Leaving Las Vegas … not is a post from: Madison Taylor

Take your pick.

DEAR ANSWER MAN: I was watching ESPN on Saturday night when I thought I heard Brett Favre say he had no idea the New York Jets were 4-12 last year until a few days after he agreed to play there last week. Is that possible? I mean, could anybody who’s a professional at anything know so little about what they’re a professional at? Is this guy smart enough to drive a car, much less a football team? — BEMUSED IN BURLINGTON.

DEAR BUM: First off I’ll refrain from asking the obvious question: Why any self-respecting person would be at home on a Saturday night watching ESPN. I’ll refrain from doing so because I was busy watching exactly the same thing on Saturday night. Is married life great or what?

Anyway, a busy man like Mr. Favre can’t be bothered with the fortunes of other teams while leading his own to the postseason. This is because quarterbacks in the NFL spend their days scrimmaging against linemen who resemble in size the moons of Jupiter, after which they study playbooks thicker than three Stephen King novels stacked one upon another. Then they look over hours of film so they can learn the third down tendencies — not to mention the last three meals, toilet habits and sexual deviancies of the nickel back for the Vikings. Then they watch ESPN on Saturday nights. Anyway, all of this advance work allows Favre to go out on Sunday and discard all that stuff and do whatever he damn well pleases anyway.

Or Favre’s lack of knowledge could be a shining example of that Mississippi education system we’ve heard about for so long.

DEAR ANSWER MAN: You said earlier that you would not accept questions about Brett Fave and yet here we are. What gives man? — MISLED IN MEBANE.

DEAR MISLED: OK so I lied to you. Is it too late to be nominated for president?

And remember The Answer Man will always try to provide the correct answer but he’s sometimes pretty fuzzy on the questions. It comes from years of working without a helmet.

He’s already looking forward to ESPN next Saturday night.

The Answer Man: Those statisticians in Mississippi don’t play around, do they? is a post from: Madison Taylor

DEAR ANSWER MAN: I saw something in the Times-News this week about someone who noticed the strange behavior of a domesticated animal and reported it to the health department for possible rabies testing. Should concerned citizens do this for politicians too? You know, you hear these people on local talk radio and it makes you wonder. And I just saw state Rep. Cary Allred in Harris Teeter and he didn’t seem too normal to me. What do you advise? – AFRAID IN ALTHAMAW.

DEAR FRAIDY CAT: It is understandable that seeing a politician wondering around amid canned goods  outside of their natural environment would spark some trepidation. Personally I got cold sweats just reading your letter. That said, it’s good to remember that politicians generally are not considered domesticated but are often thought to only be dangerous when they are among their own kind actually legislating, voting or asking for money. Still, experts usually recommend giving politicians a wide berth just to be on the safe side.

The case of Rep. Cary Allred is slightly different. Please alert local authorities if he appears to be acting in a normal fashion. This is a clear indication that something is horribly awry.

And remember, the Answer Man is fully prepared to field all questions concerning health, the general welfare and common defense. He advises all to have their pets — and politicians for that matter — inoculated for rabies.

The Answer Man: How to cure a rabid politician is a post from: Madison Taylor

Yes, the Answer Man, who has been on a short self-imposed hiatus largely because he wore out his welcome everywhere else, was forced recently to remove himself from his six-year hiding place in the Croatan National Forest after he was cited by game wardens for impersonating either a black squirrel or Marv Albert’s hairpiece. They could never decide which.

Soon he will return on this blog to offer his rather limited insight into any and all topics of interest as long as they don’t include what ‘s next for Brett Favre.

Feel free to post questions but don’t put yourselves under any undue pressure to do so either. The Answer Man has the ability to make up both the questions and answers. This does not, however, mean he is amphibious.

Here are some links to past Answer Man entries.

Reveals reasons for Super Bowl

A stocking stuffer from the Answer Man

Sorting out weird letters

Campaign season brings out the Answer Man

Proceed with caution, children at play

And remember, the Answer Man stands ready to tackle all issues, tissues and misuses — small, medium and large.

Just don’t call before 9 a.m.

Coming soon … the Answer Man is a post from: Madison Taylor