Here were my thoughts jotted down via social media in the first few minutes after the Super Bowl ended Sunday night. The Giants won, by the way.

At least I think so.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part I: Vince Lombardi would be very disappointed in being forced to watch  poor Raymond Berry make that rather pathetic walk through a gauntlet of players reaching out to touch — and in some cases put their mouths on — the Lombardi Trophy.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part II: I certainly hope that Doritos used a stunt baby in that commercial in which a grandmotherly figure flung the child through the air.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part III: “The Walking Dead” returns with new episodes next week thereby restoring meaningful TV viewing on Sunday as opposed to pro football.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part IV: Speaking of “The Walking Dead”, what will Bill Belichick’s assistants be doing next week?

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part V: Now that the Super Bowl is over can we please for the love all that’s holy stop talking about the Mannings and return to talking about Brett Favre?

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part VI: The New England Patriots thought they were “Hell on Wheels” but then they ran into a force of “Mad Men” who started “Breaking Bad.” Eventually, Brady and Co. were turned into “The Walking Dead.” I think there may be a TV series in this game.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part VII: Roman numerals, what the hell?

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part VIII: Did it ever occur to anyone that Tom Brady is getting on up there in age? And then there’s that whole Giselle Curse thing.

Post Super Bowl Thoughts Part IX: Usually the selection to perform at the Super Bowl halftime is a clear signal that a performer’s career is over. I have a whole list of people who’s careers really should be over. Please list any you would like added here so I can forward them to Roger Goddell. Let’s start mine with performer who wears a brand-new cowboy hat.

Post Super Bowl Thought Part X: Is it too late — or too early — for cold pizza?

The answer to that last one is probably obvious.

Super Bowl post-mortems is a post from: Madison Taylor

Click here to view the embedded video.

Some media organizations seek out news about the mythical creature known as Bigfoot. Others have Bigfoot thrust upon them. 

Obligatory blurry Bigfoot photo usually provided to media organizations.

For those who must know, the Times-News falls into the latter category. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it — for as long as it holds up under questioning anyway. The cable TV network Animal Planet has other ideas. We’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s just say that TV sitcoms are bordering on extinction and a primary reason may be Animal Planet. 

No one in Hollywood can write scripts better than what those guys are cooking up.

Anyway, how we came last week to be pursuing a report about some would-be Sasquatch evidence in Gibsonville is perhaps more complicated than it sounds. The reason is simple. There’s usually no way in hell I would print a story about some unsubstantiated local Bigfoot sighting in the Times-News. Not no way, not no how. That’s not to say that if Bigfoot dropped by someplace in town for a drink we wouldn’t check it out if called. I just don’t figure that’s going to happen in a million, jillion years. I’d get better odds finding a Werewolf with a Chinese menu in its hand walking through the streets of Soho in the rain. 

But someone dropping by the office with grainy pictures and a partially microwaved story … well, on second thought, I keep hearing about a local legend of some Sasquatch-like creature in East Burlington known as Chris-Chris. People I believe to be relatively sane report hearing about this creature dating back to their formative years in the 1960s  and ’70s. For a few of them, it explains a lot. 

Anyway, we began to ask a few questions last Friday for what turned out to be the first Bigfoot/Loch Ness Monster/Abominable Snowman story that I’ve been associated with in my rather checkered and questionable journalism career after hearing from what I swear is a reliable source in Gibsonville. We were told that Animal Planet had been in town filming at the home of Bernadette and Leonard Braley. Word had apparently spread about a rather large footprint they had found last fall outside their home. Not only were the prints humongous, but the stride length was about 10 feet, which indicated that whatever made them was perhaps 8 feet tall or more. Unless, of course, it was a fraternity prank. Then it’s two juiced college students with lots of time between classes. These sorts of extracurricular studies are why American colleges were invented. 

The Braleys hadn’t talked about it much because, well, they were themselves a little skeptical — but curious. You also don’t want to go talking about Bigfoot in a small town. Folks’ll gossip.

But with Animal Planet in the mix, that in and of itself was noteworthy enough for a story. Saturday, we published it and alerted people that not only was a potential Sasquatch lurking around outer Gibsonville but details about it  would be featured Sunday on a program I had never heard of on Animal Planet called, “Finding Bigfoot.” 

Sunday we continued our fact-finding mission by tuning in to “Finding Bigfoot” and its program featuring what the crack team of Bigfoot devotees and one identified scientist declared to be related sightings or evidence of a “Squatch” in North Carolina. I’m not sure what I was expecting from a cable TV show called “Finding Bigfoot” but I assumed some science would be involved. 

Stupid me.

The fearless BFRO crew poses for a publicity still. They were in Gibsonville recently checking out some humongous footprints.

 The expert team consists of members of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, led by Matt Moneymaker, founder of the BFRO and Cliff Barackman, described as an analytical type devoted to the physical evidence of Bigfoot. It also included someone known as Bobo and a skeptical scientist called Ranae. Best I can tell from the show and the program’s website, they seem to specialize in “Bigfoots,” “swamp apes,” and possibly lost episodes of “Lancelot Link Secret Chimp.” They look a lot like the Ghostbusters. 

Here’s what I learned by watching the show. 

The Bigfoot evidence at the Gibsonville site is either “real or fake.” I found this to be the most direct and honest assessment of the situation I heard in the entire hour, and it was uttered by the homeowner in Gibsonville.  It’s about the only thing that passed for scientific method during the broadcast.

These Bigfoot experts will believe almost anything. They arrived in Gibsonville, asked the Braleys what happened, looked at the ginormous print and proclaimed. “Well, it’s definitely a Sasquatch.”

My pre-teen years were enhanced by the Saturday morning TV show "Lancelot Link Secret Chimp." It was almost as fictional as "Finding Bigfoot."

The diet of your basic Bigfoot / Sasquatch type creature apparently consists of deer and Snickers bars. It’s a lean program but one relatively high in sugar. 

People who want to see Bigfoot need only deposit a Snickers bar on the top of some random tree stump in a wooded area not far from power lines. Bigfoot just loves power lines, by the way.  A passerby  Bigfoot simply can’t resist. It, or something reasonably hairy will emerge to scoop it up. This might also be a college student. By the way, leave Almond Joy, Mounds or Chunky at your own risk. Bigfoot doesn’t cotton to being trifled with.

It is not known if college students hang out near power lines. 

The nearby Uwharrie Forest is apparently “Bigfoot Central” but only, you know, near power lines. 

Bigfoot in North Carolina apparently moves in a triangulated area linking Gibsonville, Troy and unknown spots in the Uwharrie Forest, not including the N.C. Zoo. 

Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be filmed through night-vision lenses. There’s a 100 percent chance you’ll look like a deranged goofball. 

Under no circumstances are people to run after Bigfoot should they see it, unless, of course, they feel like it. 

Charlie Sheen will never work in TV comedy again. There’s way too much competition out there who will work for far less and don’t date porn stars. Swamp apes maybe — but not porn stars. No wonder Charlie thinks he has to do crazy crap to get himself noticed.

So after all of this do I believe in Bigfoot? I’ll let you know after I finish my pina colada at Trader Vic’s.

The show about North Carolina airs again on June 17 at 10 p.m. 

It’s must-see TV.

On the trail of Bigfoot; or, Why Charlie Sheen will Never Work in TV Comedy Ever Again is a post from: Madison Taylor

Takes one to know one department is a post from: Madison Taylor

“Sometimes a joke is worth a thousand op-eds”

I agree. Here goes the joke and thanks Kevin Farrell for sending it along. I needed a laugh, no matter the politics.

 “The CEO of a large corporation with interests in oil, defense and banking was seated at a table with a public service union member and a Tea Party activist. In the center of the table was a plate with a dozen cookies. The CEO reached over and grabbed 11 cookies, then turned to the Tea Party activist and said ‘You better watch out. This union thug wants part of your cookie.’”

 I found an editorial cartoon to accompany it. And Kevin ended his message with this happy note, which I wholeheartedly endorse: “Enjoy the beautiful weather.”

Sharing a laugh is a post from: Madison Taylor

In this day and age, if a city or town doesn’t have a weather-predicting varmint, it’s hard to get noticed at all

Yes, Wednesday the most famous weather-predicting groundhog in America, the ubiquitous Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his rural (read country) Pennsylvania lair and forecast an early spring — much to the delight of a smaller-than-average crowd who braved ice, mud and a winter storm warning to attend. For tiny Punxsutawney, the annual gathering is of such cultural magnitude that a movie starring Bill Murray was made surrounding it. We suspect the town makes a good chunk of change on this time-honored rite of … whatever.

Not to be outdone — even though they clearly are — North Carolina unleashed its official groundhog, a critter known as Sir Walter Wally. The Raleigh rodent’s forecast was much gloomier. Wally caught a glimpse of shadow on one of the few sunny days in a colder than usual North Carolina winter and predicted six more weeks of winter.

 Not to be outdone, Woody the Groundhog over at Greensboro’s Natural Science Center crept into the sunshine and agreed with Sir Walter Wally.

And not to be outdone, Lexington hauled out its “groundhawg,” a pot-bellied pig that goes by the moniker Lil’ Bit. The odd homage to that city’s barbecue heritage concurred with Phil. Spring is on the way.

So apparently Alamance County trails in the all-important civic venture of hosting a weather-predicting varmint and all the publicity that entails.

Altamahawg, anyone?

Musing about varmints is a post from: Madison Taylor

Sheriff Ed Brown meets the press.

I still get some press releases from agencies I dealt with when I worked for the Jacksonville Daily News. Over the years, there are fewer of them. Mainly I have myself removed from the mailing lists or folks finally figure out I’m gone and elminate me on their own.

Not the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office. I try to remain on the lists compiled and sent out by longtime Sheriff Ed Brown.

Why? Because they’re often so damned entertaining. In the art of press release writing, this would be some kind of art practiced by those who dabble in the surreal.

That’s not to say I enjoy reading about the misfortunes of others. Far from it. The press releases are just usually chock full of strange references, editorial asides, curious observations and unintentionally funny verbiage. Let’s just say Sheriff Brown, who once left his gun in the bathroom at Food Lion in Jacksonville, is pretty unusual.

Here’s a release, verbatim, that was electronically mailed to the media on Thursday.

————-

ONSLOW COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE
NEWS RELEASE
JANUARY 6, 2011 – 12:00 NOON
  

INVESTIGATIVE MEETING TO DISCUSS PELICAN DEATHS ON ONSLOW/PENDER COUNTY BEACHES

   This morning, Thursday, January 6, 2011 (9:30 AM), a special meeting was held at the Surf City Police Department to discuss the mystery relative to pelicans being found dead on the beach shores in Onslow County/Pender County.  Major David West of the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office attended the meeting.  Major West reported that this was one of the most organized meetings he has ever attended in his twenty-six years in law enforcement.  Major West said the meeting was well attended by the proper federal, state, and local government officials and it was made clear by those officials this was not just a show, but a purposeful meeting designed to get to the bottom of the mystery causing the deaths of the pelicans being found on the beach shores.  Major West, who has a passion for game life and wild life, came out of the meeting well pleased that protecting the pelicans and other game life will be accomplished.

 —————-

Not much in the way of news value in this prepared statement except for this: If a member of the sheriff’s department just came back from the most organized meeting in his 26 years of law enforcement, what does that say about the meetings held by the sheriff himself?

The art of the press release is a post from: Madison Taylor

By now most have read the standard old predictions for the year ahead by the standard old pundits on your standard old cable networks.

Now I’m going to take a crack at it.

And if any of this stuff really happens, well, we’re all in a world of trouble.

In a desperate move to bolster ratings, Jon Stewart, the host of “The Daily Show” on cable TV’s Comedy Central, will be named new chief of programming at struggling CNN. He immediately replaces Anderson Cooper with Stephen Colbert.

Tech wizards in the Silicon Valley will invent a way for humans to give birth via their cell phones. In a related story, the newest iPhone unveiled in February will be able to simonize some, but not all, automobiles.

In a desperate move to solve the state’s massive debt, Gov. Beverly Perdue plays the Powerball Lottery every single day in hopes of landing the number and donating the money back to the state budget. She buys scratch-and-win tickets for personal use.

 Those who question the status of President Obama will be vindicated this year when a birth certificate surfaces indicating that Obama is not who he claims to be. He is actually Mitt Romney.

 A social networking rival to Twitter will emerge early in the year. The new “Fritter” will feature audio soundbytes known as “Fits.” Immediately 14.5 million customers sign up even though only eight people in the entire nation have the equipment required to use it.

 The Philadelphia Eagles, under the guidance of quarterback Michael Vick, will win the Super Bowl. In a related story, stadium officials will not be allowed to play the song, “Who let the dogs out … who, who, who?” before, during or after the game.

Lindsey Lohan will not make any news this year. A national celebration is held in December 2011 to mark the occasion.

On the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War, South Carolina will once more secede from the union. No one notices.

A member of Congress will actually try to keep a campaign promise. He will be immediately censured by his colleagues. People will first learn of this via “Fritter” thereby making it the first public “Fit” by a sitting member of Congress.

In a desperate move to bolster flagging ratings, Jon Stewart hires Larry the Cable Guy to replace Larry King on CNN.

The body of the late Elvis Presley is exhumed for no apparent reason. In a related story, it will be determined that Jerry Lee Lewis is still alive.

Scientists will discover intelligent life forms on other planets before detecting any on Fox News or MSNBC.

It will be discovered in March that John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi are brother and sister. Both will weep simultaneously.

In a desperate move to solve the state’s massive debt, Gov. Bev Perdue will privatize liquor sales in North Carolina by bringing back moonshining.

In June, Sarah Palin will track, shoot and field dress MSNBC commentator Keith Olbermann. Ratings on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” will hit their highest point. In a related story, Palin is hired by Jon Stewart to host a hunting program on CNN.

The Miami Heat will lose in the NBA Finals to the San Antonio Spurs, which will spark superstar LeBron James to form his own team made up of members of the Eastern Conference All-Stars and Kentucky Wildcats.

A new sheaf of documents from Wikileaks will reveal that in the 1990s Bill Clinton used to regularly hit on Benazir Bhutto.

The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series, just as the Mayans predicted hundreds of years ago.

The state’s budget pickle is finally resolved when Gov. Bev Perdue hits the Powerball number and donates the money to the state budget in monthly increments.

Global warming will give way to global charming, which will end cable TV, transform partisan politics, bring peace to Tom and Jerry and destroy the Internet as we know it.

In a related development, newspapers make a surprise comeback and once more rule the media landscape …

Naaaah, way too unbelievable.

What’s ahead … probably not this is a post from: Madison Taylor

Gazing into the leather ball … is a post from: Madison Taylor

This week’s print column is pretty much what it says — good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes Door No. 3 is the best option.

Here goes nothing … really.

—————————————————–

Some not-so-deep — or generally shallow thoughts while wondering whatever happened to Paul Revere and the Raiders.

n Got a look Friday morning at the list of nefarious characters about to be released from prison in North Carolina because of a court ruling and good conduct credits and I’d have to say that most of these 20 men ain’t going to be confused with members of a church choir anytime soon — or ever.

n The cast of “The Wire” is more likely.

n Even though “Where the Wild Things Are” is my favorite children’s book of all time — and in my top 10 overall — I have no interest in watching the movie after it opens this weekend.

n Besides, I can watch “Where the Wild Things Are” anytime by tuning to meetings of the Alamance County Board of Commissioners.

n The story this week about Charles Pennix, the disabled Burlington man robbed of money he and his mother had collected selling baked goods to pay for a motorized wheelchair, had a happy ending when dozens of people stepped forward to help and he eventually received a motorized scooter. We could use more happy endings these days, believe me.

n An even happier ending would be the man responsible being found, convicted and sentenced to make little rocks out of big ones for a long time — not that prisoners bust rocks anymore but you get the general idea.

n A whipping with a baseball bat or sturdy club wouldn’t hurt much either.

n I just got my first iPod in August for my birthday. How did I get along without one for so long?

n This doesn’t mean I have to get an iPhone, does it?

n Someone identifying themselves as Sandy Scott keeps calling my cellphone and responding to my “hello” with a pre-recorded message I have yet to listen to all the way through. Hanging up on a recording is about like hanging up on a politician. It keeps on going and going and going.

n Got a call and an e-mail last week from Alamance County Commissioner Tim Sutton who wasn’t happy that neither he nor Commissioner Bill Lashley were quoted in any of our stories involving the Tea Party last weekend in Graham. In my experience, politicians who call the newspaper complaining about not being quoted are usually in politics for the wrong reason.

n Want to know why I don’t give out my cell phone number?

n ACC football this year is more confusing than all but the table of contents pages of the proposed health care reform plan now before Congress. Just substitute Maryland where it says Public Option.

n Actually, let’s end the discussion and vote on this health care thing up or down right now and move on. Does anyone really have anything to say on it that hasn’t already been said?

n Better yet, end the ACC football season now, too. Less said about it, the better.

n I was reminded this week after the United Way received its $1 million grant to aid the homeless that earlier this year our own Dr. Steven Slott’s Open Door Dental Clinic and Missions of Mercy program got a grant of its own for $600,000. Lots of people who need dental care desperately are being helped thanks to Slott and his colleagues.

n That also reminds me, Make a Difference Day is this coming Saturday, which is where the work by Dr. Slott first began to get wide recognition.  

n He’s still making a difference. Actually, others can, too. Make sure you volunteer for something amid a variety of stuff going on Saturday.

n Go Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Oxnard, Burbank and Pismo Beach!

n I refuse to believe that anyone in their right mind could hand over cash incentives to a business after hearing that Dell, which slurped up millions in state money, is not only closing its Winston-Salem plant, sending 900 to the unemployment line but taking those jobs to Mexico and other foreign lands.

n But I know it’ll happen again and again and again.

n Are these people crazy?

n The Burlington area now has three Thai restaurants. When I moved back in 2007, I could hardly believe there was even one.

n I could live on Thai food, by the way.

n College basketball practice started Saturday morning.

n That’s a misprint, right?

Deep thoughts, I guess is a post from: Madison Taylor

 In the alarming news department, it has been determined through scientific research that the popular energy-inducing drink Red Bull is mainly, well, bull.

Yes, an Elon University faculty member has just conducted a study of the popular energy drink and has determined that any burst of speed consumers get from Red Bull has more to do with the mind and not the body.

So the deal is, the drink, which journalists and others in deadline-oriented jobs guzzle by the gross, doesn’t really “give you wings,” as the advertisements claim. And there’s not much to verify the contention that Red Bull improves powers of concentration or reaction speed.

it’s all in your head, says Mat Gendle, an associate professor at Elon who conducted the study with the aid of his students.

“There’s nothing special about Red Bull,” Gendle said. “There is no reason to believe that the caffeine and other ingredients in Red Bull enact effects on the brain that are in line with what consumers expect to happen after they drink a can.”

For the record, to folks of my acquaintance this is tantamount to blasphemy.

Gendle’s study, “Attention and Reaction Time in University Students Following the Consumption of Red Bull” appears in the latest edition of The Open Nutrition Journal. Elon alums  Darren Smucker, Jason Stafstrom, Melanie Helterbran and Kimberly Glazer provided support.

According to a press release from Elon, though other studies back many of the claims made by Red Bull, to Gendle’s knowledge, very few researchers have simulated “real world” situations where the beverage is most likely to be consumed. In most instances, previous test subjects had been deprived of food and caffeine overnight.

But the study posed this question: Is that when students are drinking the stuff?

Elon students were tested  between 4 and 6 p.m. Rather than limit food and caffeinated beverages overnight, the researchers asked study volunteers to limit their intake to water for the four hours leading to the test.

Volunteers twice visited the lab: On one occasion they received either Red Bull or its sugar free variety, while on the other visit, they received a placebo of sugar free ginger ale with raspberry syrup made with an artificial sweetener.

When tested on reaction time, there was no difference. And many in the placebo group thought they were drinking a strong energy drink, stating, “What did you give me to drink? It’s really messing me up!”

Gendle said the students may be paying more attention to tasks because they think the drink is having an effect.

To read the full journal article in The Open Nutrition Journal, follow this link: http://www.bentham.org/open/tonutrj/openaccess2.htm

Say it ain’t so: How much bull is Red Bull? is a post from: Madison Taylor