Madison Taylor

Frances Woody has been out of the office for the past few days while her husband, the venerable YKW, had a pacemaker installed. He’s doing well, and so is Frances. He’s home now recovering.  That’s good news for our Times-News family.

And while Frances was out, we had to pitch in to tackle the many duties she handles daily with aplomb. Jay Ashley was our point man on obituaries, Brent Lancaster took on Alamance Scene. I tracked down our letters to the editor authors. Today I filled her column slot. Brent handled it this past Saturday. Fans of Frances will be happy to know she’ll likely be back in column form on Saturday.

Here’s what I replaced it with on Wednesday.

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I got myself a nice new medical procedure for Christmas. That’s probably an exaggeration. It was a medical procedure but it was hardly new — well, new to me maybe. And besides, I had much, much better luck at Christmas than that. In reality I got a DVD here, a book there, a pair or two of corduroy pants all topped off by a ballcap with a light on it just in case I decide to enter “The Amazing Race” on TV.

All in all, not a bad haul for an old geezer such as myself.

Truth is, my fairly routine medical procedure was a belated birthday present. It was actually ordered for me shortly after I turned 50 in August. It merely arrived on Dec. 29 — much like a package mailed to Burlington, Sri Lanka by mistake, instead of Burlington, N.C.

Yes, turn the big 5-0 and one thing looms in your immediate future. I’m talking, of course, about a colonoscopy. My date with destiny landed just before the turn of the New Year.  

Anyway, for newspaper readers this particular medical procedure needs no introduction. Surveys indicate to us that about 97.9 percent of our regular customers have either undergone one, know a friend or relative who’s had one, or when the subject came up at the doctor’s office changed the topic of discussion to the NFL playoffs or “Iron Chef America.”

Those who aren’t regular newspaper readers, by the way, haven’t been on the planet long enough to actually discover that they have a colon yet or perhaps believe it should be used somehow in conjunction with a semicolon.

But trust me, they will learn better. Just wait until they turn 50.

As most already know, your basic colonoscopy involves a great deal of homework, which includes a one-day fast. The fast really isn’t so bad once you get right down to it. Gandhi used to fast all the time and the only things it got him were enlightened, famous, and a little on the scrawny side. That hallucination stuff was way overblown anyway.

But this fast is also combined with the consumption of nuclear-powered laxatives that could, in theory, flush a longleaf pine tree.

After that, the actual procedure itself is a breeze.

Anyway, as the medical experts laid this out for me, I saw an opportunity.

Now let me say that I’m not big on resolutions for the New Year. I know lots of folks like them. Some swear by them. A few swear at them. And some make about a dozen annually and have about as much intention of seeing them through as a TV programming executive promising not to develop any more reality shows like “America’s Top Dancing American Idol Bachelorette.”

That doesn’t mean I won’t make vows to improve myself. I just don’t set Jan. 1 as the day to do it. Exhausted, dehydrated, potentially hungover and facing a plate of steaming collards is no way to make substantial life-altering changes, believe me.

For example, when I put down cigarettes for keeps in 2002, I initiated the process in April because I wanted to hold on to more money than I was spending and the weather is good enough to offer plenty of better diversions than filling my lungs with smoke.

And when I began working out in 1992 I didn’t circle Jan. 1 on the calendar. No, I moved to the beach in March and realized I was a disgusting fatbody who didn’t want to wear a sweatshirt in August to shield my appearance from innocent people simply looking for a place to relax on vacation.

So as I began my medically enforced fast on Dec. 28 I realized that this might be the time to use it as a springboard to eating less and drinking more water so I might lose five to 10 pounds over the next few months. Didn’t mean for it to happen around Jan. 1. It just did.　

　I hate to see what they have in store for my 51st birthday.

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