OK, any doofus can tell you stuff about ACC basketball like what team will finish where or who will be the player of the year.
What’s the fun in that?
No, I’m here to predict stuff nobody else will. So here goes literally nothing at all, starting with my own team, the Demon Deacons.
Wake Forest will open its 2009-10 basketball campaign with a slew of impressive victories resulting in a high national ranking after which they will be humiliated by a team with a below .500 record. Ultimately they will lose nine of their last 11 games, drop the ACC Tournament opener and be bounced from the NCAA Tournament before the Round of 16. Coach Dino Gaudio will be rewarded wth a lifetime contract.
In other ACC predictions:
1. A young Carolina team will turn Ol’ Roy into Positively Antiquated Roy by midseason. The Heels will return to form, however, after the NCAA grants Tyler Hansbrough another 12 games of eligibility due to a little known rule compensating players who have a lack of jumping ability.
2. Duke will return to national prominence after Coach K becomes the new symbol for the breakfast cereal Count Chocula and Kyle Singler does the same for Frankenberry. Meanwhile, the NCAA awards Greg Paulus 12 more minutes of NCAA eligibility. He uses it to play in one game for the Duke women’s team.
3. N.C. State fires Sidney Lowe after a dozen games. It hires a succession of former players from the 1983 National Championship team as head coach starting with Cozell McQueen, who is found in a Bennettsville, S.C. Laundromat.
4. Around Jan. 17 it is discovered that the University of Virginia does indeed have a basketball coach. No one, however, including Dick Vitale knows who it is.
5. In February it will be revealed that Clemson coach Oliver Purnell is an agent with the FBI.
6. In January birth records will confirm that Virginia Tech coach Seth Greenberg and movie actor Jon Polito are twins separated at birth.
7. Miami coach Frank Haith will come home and coach the Elon University basketball team then apply for a teaching position at Western Alamance High School.
8. Boston College will leave the ACC at midseason in order to pursuie other interests.
9. Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt and Maryland coach Gary Williams will open a chain of sweat-resistant haberdashery outlets.
And be sure to forget that you heard it hear first.