This is the newly reinstated, never duplicated and completely complicated edition of The Answer Man, not to be confused with “The Man Who Knew Too Much,” a movie so nice, Hitchcock made it twice.
DEAR ANSWER MAN: I saw something in the Times-News this week about someone who noticed the strange behavior of a domesticated animal and reported it to the health department for possible rabies testing. Should concerned citizens do this for politicians too? You know, you hear these people on local talk radio and it makes you wonder. And I just saw state Rep. Cary Allred in Harris Teeter and he didn’t seem too normal to me. What do you advise? – AFRAID IN ALTHAMAW.
DEAR FRAIDY CAT: It is understandable that seeing a politician wondering around amid canned goods outside of their natural environment would spark some trepidation. Personally I got cold sweats just reading your letter. That said, it’s good to remember that politicians generally are not considered domesticated but are often thought to only be dangerous when they are among their own kind actually legislating, voting or asking for money. Still, experts usually recommend giving politicians a wide berth just to be on the safe side.
The case of Rep. Cary Allred is slightly different. Please alert local authorities if he appears to be acting in a normal fashion. This is a clear indication that something is horribly awry.
And remember, the Answer Man is fully prepared to field all questions concerning health, the general welfare and common defense. He advises all to have their pets — and politicians for that matter — inoculated for rabies.
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Any truth to the rumor Sheriff Ed had something to do with the Answer Man’s disappearance into the Croatan for years on end?
Alan near Arapahoe
DEAR HOE: The Right-Sheriff Ed Brown of Onslow County, one of the finest enertainment practitioners America ever produced, has been a source of chuckles, awe, angst, fear, knee-slapping hilarity, loathing, vague press releases and borderline malfeasant law enforcement for too many years to mention. Soon he’ll retire and do two shows each weeknight and three on Saturdays and Sundays at the Mirage in Las Vegas where he’ll be the biggest sensation since Seigfried and Roy.
Mark my words.
This knowledge led to an overwhelming sense of depression that drove The Answer Man into the forest to seek enlightenment. What he got instead were chiggers.
Thanks for playing.
Not surprised. Anyhoo, good to have the Answer Man back, even if you are displaced. Or perhaps, come full circle.